Shinji The Bachelor
by OmegaDoom
Summary: This is what happens when NERV produces a reality-TV show.... And Gendo discovers the power of drugs....


  
**_** SURGEONS GENERALS WARNING ** _** This is a HUMOR Fic. If you do not have a sense of humor, do not read this. Reading this Fic WILL cause a major drop in your I.Q.. You can and will turn into a sticky puddle of crap due to the bad grammar and spelling. People who are pregnant, have a bad back, or an occasional and sharp pain in the nuts should read this Fic. Enjoy :-P 

**_** Proofreader's Note **_** ThIs FiC vErY bAd FoR yOu. YoU No ReAd It. Me Go To   
HaPpY pLaCe WhErE mE gEt BeTtEr AfTeR fIxInG bAd FiC. bYe NoW... ^_^"""   
  


**_Shinji the Bachelor_**   
**_By: OmegaDoom_**   
**_Edited by: EVA-01 Beta>_**

... A year has passed since the final Angel was destroyed and all is well. (Let's just pretend for a   
moment that Third Impact never happened and that SEELE's invasion never took place) However, the   
corporation of NERV has become desperately low on funds. To keep the EVA research in progress,   
NERV is forced to begin manufacturing a large supply of Pokemon toys. One day, while NERV was   
facing a difficult crisis, Commander Ikari had the brilliant idea of turning Terminal Dogma into a large   
T.V. studio. His plan was to create a reality T.V. series to help support NERV. This is where our story   
begins...   
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A loud flashing alarm fills the Command Center. Bridge Bunny (take your pick) announced, "We   
have a Class 4 Emergency!" 

"What do the MAGI say?" questioned Major Katsuragi. 

"Pattern Plaid with Purple Poka Dots confirmed!" 

"Dammit! Not again!" Misato bitched. 

"Initiate standard backup procedures!" Ritsuko yelled. 

B.B. replied, "No response. We have a major jam in the system!" 

Commander Ikari stood up from behind his desk and in a stern voice he yelled, "Deploy Unit-01." 

"Yes sir," replied Misato. Unit-01 was launched and ran quickly towards the source of the   
problem. "Shinji, you must unjam the system or NERV is finished!" 

Suddenly a loud, booming voice is heard from above, the type of voice that you hear at the end of   
most sci-fi films, and spoke, "Thirty seconds until total destruction." in a panic-inducingly calm tone. 

"Shinji, hurry up dammit!" Misato yelled. 

Shinji whispered, "I mustn't run away... I mustn't run AWAY!" 

"Twenty seconds until total destruction." 

Shinji, in near nosebleed-level panic mode, ran all the way to the back of a large building labeled   
'NERV Toy Factory'. 

"Fifteen seconds until total destruction." 

Shinji was now standing next to a large drop-off hole in the side of the factory. 

"Shinji, I'm sending you your tool," Misato yelled. As she spoke, a giant weapons case appeared   
near Shinji. He opened the case to reveal a giant plunger. 

From one of the dark corners in the back of Central Dogma, Kaji just pops out of nowhere and   
points out, "And here, I thought a man always had his tool..." 

Reaching deep into the farthest reaches of the recently discovered alternate dimension known as   
"Hammerspace", Misato draws from seemingly 'thin air' a rather sharp and bloody butcher's cleaver and   
points it straight at the womanizer's crotch. Easily catching the drift of his girlfriend's 'subtle' hint, Ryoji   
Kaji set new land speed records out of the Command Center. 

Meanwhile.. 

"Five seconds until total destruction." 

"Begin Plungering Sequence," yelled the Commander. 

Shinji took the plunger and pressed it on the large hole in the side of the building and began to fix   
the jam. Shinji, with a final desperate yank, succeeded and all of the Pokemon toys became unjammed and   
fell out into the supply trucks. 

"Thank God." Misato mumbled as she signed from the released tension, "If that system blew,   
NERV would be out of business". Misato rewarded herself with a six-pack of Yubisu. 

Twenty minutes later, Commander Ikari's voice is heard over the intercom, "All NERV personnel,   
report to Terminal Dogma immediately."   
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Everyone walks into Terminal Dogma only to find a dark room with Commander Ikari sitting   
behind a desk in the 'Commander' position (hands folded neatly in front of his face). 

"I've called you all here to discuss the future operations of NERV," the emotionless Commander   
grumbles as he flicks on the lights without moving his hands (God only knows what goes on behind those   
desks). 

The lights turn on to reveal a perfect T.V. stage designed to look like a living room of some sort.   
There were hundreds of cameras and lights everywhere. Everyone stood in shock and sheer terror as they   
looked upon the stage. All were too scared to ask what the Hell was going on until Kaji summoned   
enough balls to ask the Commander, "What the Hell is all this for?" 

The Commander stood up out of his chair, hands still folded across his face. The unholy bastard   
waits a moment before responding, "We shall gain funds by airing a reality T.V. series." 

"What kind of series?" Asuka asked. 

Vice Commander Fuyutski appears from under the desk Commander Ikari was sitting behind,   
wiping something off his face (Oh, dear God, I don't even want to think about it... However, that would   
explain a lot of things...). "You are all familiar with the American show The Bachelor, yes?" 

Oh, sweet Jesus tap-dancing Christ, no!> the half-drunken Major Katsuragi thought. 

"We shall have 4 selected volunteers, all women, of course, to try and gain the love of a mystery   
bachelor who we will reveal tomorrow." Kaji smiled at the thought, assuming that he would be the   
selected bachelor. Asuka also believed that Kaji would be chosen, so she initiated standard Annoying   
Bitching Procedure #3. "Commander, I have to be on the show! Please let me be on it! Please, please,   
please, please, pleasepleasepleasepleasePLEASE!!!" 

The annoyed Commander caved in to her demands and decided to give Asuka a spot on the show.   
"Very well," Ikari said in a emotionless tone. 

With these words, Asuka ran over to Kaji, groping him all over the place. Kaji didn't seem to mind   
much. 

However, Misato's rage and jealously were rapidly building. In order to not show her love for   
Kaji, she immediately reached into her jacket and pulled out her emergency can of Yubisu. 

"Commander Fuyutski," Ikari commanded, "retrieve the list." 

The Vice Commander reached under the desk (OK, what the Hell is up with this damn desk?!) and   
pulled out a clipboard. "These are the selected "volunteers" to play the roles of the bachelorettes:"   
Fuyutski announced quite loudly "Asuka Langley-Soryu, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, Major Misato Katsuragi   
(almost spitting out her beer at the mention of her name), and Rei Ayanami". 

"Uh, Commander, don't you remember? Rei #3 died in that tragic meatball experiment..." Ritsuko   
reminded. 

"Irrelevant," Ikari yelled. He looked at a large red button up against the side of the wall labeled   
'Rei dispenser' with a 50-cent coin slot under the button. Ikari walked up to the button, deposited 50 cents   
into the machine while covering his face with his hands, and, with his hands still across his mouth, he   
pushed the button with his head while saying, "Begin Rei-Cloning Sequence." 

A large glass tube drops down from the ceiling and spits out Rei #4. "Problem solved," said the   
pleased Commander, "We will commence Filming Sequence tomorrow. Dismissed." 

As everyone was leaving, the Commander was not finished. "Shinji, we must talk." Shinji, who   
has been standing quietly the entire time, jumped at the very mention of his name and went into near   
shock when he heard that his father wanted to speak with him. Shinji walked slowly towards the   
Commander, "You called F-father.." Commander Ikari glared down at his son as if he were a disobedient   
dog and with his hands still folded across his face he began. 

"Shinji," Gendo Ikari said, "you have been chosen to be the bachelor." Shinji stood motionless for   
about thirty seconds, then fell completely over on his face, resulting in an extreme nosebleed. "You shall   
arrive one hour before the others tomorrow," said Ikari as he walked off with Shinji still lying on the floor.   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Around 7:40 pm, Shinji finally arrived at home, muttering 'I mustn't run away' about a thousand   
times. As he walked through the door, he was greeted by an enraged Asuka. "Where the Hell have you   
been, you worthless piece of crap?! I've been alone with Misato for 3 hours! And do you know what I had   
to put up with?! I... 

Twenty minutes later...... 

... and do you have ANY idea what I had to eat for DINNER?!" 

Shinji looked behind Asuka to find a half-dead PenPen and Misato, completely drunk, yelling at   
the T.V., which was NOT ON. "You had the "Misato special" didn't you?" 

(For those of you who don't know, the "Misato special" is instant curry mixed with half the   
specified amount of water and stirred until it forms a sludge. Misato thinks it's 'Yummy to the max!', but   
it's something that nature did not intend to have brought upon this world. Let me put it this way: Second   
Impact would be a blissful death compared to eating this God-awful sludge.)   
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The next morning, Shinji awoke to the unholy bitching sound of that is the very definition of   
Asuka. "SSSSSSSHHHHHHHIIIIIINNNNNNNNJJJJJIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get your lazy ass outta' bed!   
Today is the first day of filming. and I get to be on T.V. with KKAAAAAAJJII. I just KNOW he'll pick   
me to marry him! Then I'll..." 

"Whip out your strap-on and give it to him anally?" responded Shinji. 

Asuka, rendered speechless, responded by attacking Shinji with a deadly combo: SLAP, PUNCH,   
KICK, SCRATCH, MEOW, and a possible WOOF. Shinji didn't remember much after that... Misato, the   
night before, had consumed enough alcohol to kill a small whale, and enough instant curry to ALMOST   
turn Commander Ikari human. Breakfast was like always: Shinji cooked, Misato drank, and Asuka   
bitched.   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

A few hours later at NERV, everyone was busy beginning preparations for the show. Shinji   
arrived at NERV panicking like always and listing to the "I like big butts" song on Track #27 of his   
SDAT. He was walking towards the elevator when he saw Rei enter said elevator. Seeing as how Shinji   
always had a thing for Rei, he decided to play it cool with her and try to get Rei to like him before the   
show. Shinji walked over to Rei real ghetto style, looking like a drunken clown. "Hi, Rei..." a nervous   
Shinji spoke, "It's exciting that you're going to be on the T.V. show." Rei just turned and looked at Shinji   
with no expression on her face what-so-ever. "... So, what kind of things will you do with the bachelor   
when you have to go on the date with him?" the boy asked, hoping to get a favorable response. 

"I will only do what I am ordered to," replied Rei. 

Shinji didn't know whether to take that as a good thing or a bad one.   
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In Terminal Dogma, the maintenance guys, or, at this point, 'stage crew', were busy making the   
final preparations on the set. Commander Ikari watched from above, sitting again behind his desk in the   
'Commander' position (Damn, that desk really gets around!). Bastard Ikari watched over his crew like   
Satan would watch his victims roast over an open flame. "Your son has arrived," said Fuyutski, his voice   
resonating from the walls of the desk that encased him under it. 

"Good, prepare him for the show at once," ordered Ikari.   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Shinji was the first cast member to arrive. He was nervous to the point where he nearly craped his   
pants. "Shinji, proceed to dressing room #5 and begin Clothing Sequence," the Commander ordered. 

"Y-yes, Father," Shinji moaned.   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Meanwhile, the bachelorettes were lounging around in the break room, complaining about the   
show. 

"I swear, I'm not even kissing him!" yelled Misato. 

"If I even have to sleep in the same room as Kaji, I swear to God, I will rip off his nuts and shove   
them down Bastard Ikari's throat!" Ritsuko screamed. 

Asuka smiled and said, "Well, it's good to know that I'll have Kaji all to myself..." 

"You can have that jerkoff," said a pissed-off Misato, "and what makes you think Kaji will want to   
marry a bitchy little redheaded 15 year-old anyway?" 

"Oh yeah? Well, you're just jealous because you can't MEASURE up, you cheap whore!"   
screamed Asuka. 

"Why don't you go P.M.S. somewhere else, Asuka?" Misato replied. 

"What did you just say?!" Asuka's eyebrow twitching. 

Ritsuko jumped in, "Well, it's obvious that you still have feelings for Kaji, Misato." 

"What was that?" 

"Well, seeing as how you keep getting pissed off at Asuka, I can only assume that you still have   
feelings for him," Dr. Akagi quickly responded. Misato, in a rage, slaps Ritsuko across the face, leaving a   
red hand print. 

"Why, you bitch!" Ritsuko slaps Misato back. 

Asuka speaks, "God, I hope when I'm as old as you, I'm not that desperate to get a man..."   
Instantly, Misato and Ritsuko both slap Asuka. "Oh, it's on now!" Asuka roared. The three immediately   
went into an all-out bitchslap fest: Ritsuko slaps Asuka, Misato slaps Ritsuko, Asuka steps on Misato's   
foot, then does a super bitch uppercut. Misato's rage hits its Limit Break. She does an immediate backflip   
to escape the brawl and starts powering up like she was in a DBZ episode. She slowly yells, "SUPER   
ULTRA KING KAMAYAMAYA BITCHSLAP!!!!!!" Misato's right hand travels at a speed of Mach 3,   
slapping Asuka, Ritsuko, and herself at the same time rendering them all unconscious for a brief moment. 

A very annoyed Rei, who had born witness to the whole event, walked towards the motionless   
bodies and said, "It is time to leave. They are waiting for us."   
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Ten minutes later, the bachelorettes are in the dressing rooms, all putting on their dresses for the   
show: Misato is wearing a long purple dress with a cut down the middle of her chest; Asuka goes with a   
red miniskirt; Ritsuko wears go-go boots, a leather skirt, and a sheer shirt; and Rei chooses to wear... uh,   
yeah.... ok... her school uniform. 

"Three minutes 'til showtime," a stage techie yells. The four bachelorettes walk onto stage and sit   
on a large couch in the middle of the stage. "I can't believe that I've been degraded to a cheap stage   
whore," Misato complains. 

"Well, I think this is fun! I really want to look my best for Ka..." 

"You don't even want to finish that sentence," Misato cut Asuka off. 

"Hey, Rei, what do you think about this whole ordeal?" Ritsuko asked. 

In a plain voice, Rei replies, "the Commander decides how I feel for me." 

Misato, Asuka, and Ritsuko move as one to the far end of the couch. 

"One minute left 'til showtime."   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

It's been a while since we heard from Shinji, so let's check up on him, shall we... 

Shinji, for the past twenty minutes, has been backstage, panicking like Hell. (Oh, by the way,   
Shinji is wearing a tux, but we all probably guessed that...) The backstage area was nothing too   
impressive: There were a bunch of lights and cameras scattered about, but nothing too ornate. Shinji paced   
in a circle for what seemed like hours, having a serious nosebleed. "My God," Shinji said to himself, "I   
can't do this! I mustn't run away! Somebody! Please help me!!" Shinji falls to the floor, lying in a fetal   
position, sucking his thumb. From out of nowhere, Commander Ikari walks towards Shinji. With hands   
STILL across his face, he stands over the crying Shinji and begins to talk with him. 

"Shinji," the emotionless Commander spoke, "why are you crying?" 

"I'm scared, Father! Why do I have to be the bachelor?" 

"Because there is no one else," replied Ikari. 

"BULLSHIT," yelled the younger Ikari, "What about Kaji?! He's a lot better looking then me!" 

"Because you will bring in the best ratings. Now give me your arm, Son." Shinji was so   
incredibility surprised that is own Hellish bastard of a father called him son that he did exactly what his   
father asked and gave him his arm. "This should help with the show..." said Ikari, "Begin Drugging   
Sequence." 

The Commander reached into his pocket and pulled out a siring with about 30 mg of heroin and   
injected it into his son, the weird thing being that at NO TIME WHAT-SO-EVER did Ikari's hands leave   
his face... 

"You damn asshole," screamed Shinji, "I'm gonna rip off your balls and f...u.........c........ Man, my   
hands are big..." said the now very high Shinji. 

Gendo just smiled from behind his hands and walked off.   
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"Showtime in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... go!" said the stage manager. The lights go on, the cameras roll,   
the music starts, and it's showtime. A platform rises from the middle of the stage with our host Aoba   
wearing an electronic tux with lights in the sleeves and collar. 

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to The Bachelor!" said the excited host, "Over the next 3 weeks,   
we will have our mystery bachelor, who we will reveal in just a few moments, engage in many romantic   
activities with these 4 lovely ladies. At the end of the 3 weeks, our bachelor will pick one of our   
bachelorettes to become his bride. Now, let's meet our bachelorettes!" 

The camera zooms in on Misato, "This is Misato Katsuragi; she enjoys beer in the morning, beer in   
the evening, and beer at supper time. Her turn-ons include getting drunk and throwing up at cheap   
nightclubs! 

"Next is Ritsuko Akagi; she enjoys playing with her cats, if ya' know what I mean! Her turn-ons   
include cats and sticking long rods into her mother's brains. 

"Then, there's little Miss Asuka Langley-Soryu; she likes older men, abusing her male roommate,   
and 'P.M.S.'ing all the time. 

"Our last bachelorette is Rei Ayanami; she likes... well.... Commander Ikari, I guess..." 

"Well, anyway, it's time to..." 

"Don't forget me!!" a familiar voice is heard from nowhere. Suddenly, a black hole appears in the   
middle of the stage and out comes Kaoru ( Oh, God, NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!)!   
As though a single being, everyone plugs up their ass with their thumb. "Hi! I'm Kaoru Nagisa! I like   
hairy men and...~CENSORED~ ( you really don't want to hear the rest. Trust me. )" 

"UUHHH... We'll be back after a word from our sponsor, Tampex..." 

Ikari stands up and yells at Kaoru, "What is the meaning of this?!" 

"I want to be a bachelorette, too!" Kaoru whined. 

Ikari thought for moment and decided that it would bring in more ratings. "Very well. Proceed."   
decreed the Commander, "Resume Bacheloring Sequence." 

"Ok! We're back," announces Aoba, "Now that we've met all of our lovely ladies and...... thing,   
let's meet our bachelor!" Asuka becomes very excited as she prepares to meet the MAN of her dreams. A   
curtain rises from behind the couch to reveal an extremely high Shinji. 

"WWWWWAAAAHHHHHTTTTT TTTTTHHHHHEEEEE HHHHHEEEEELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
yelled Asuka. 

"Hey, it's not Kaji, after all," a pleased Ritsuko said. 

"Thank you, sweet Jesus!!!!!!" exclaimed Misato ( however, inside she was going off like an A-bomb ). 

"...," replied Rei. 

The high Shinji took a long look at all the bachelorettes in their dresses and he... Well, let's just say   
Shinji was another victim of thermal expansion... All the bachelorettes immediately fell face forward   
except for an emotionless Rei and a very happy Kaoru. 

Aoba starts back up again, "All right, it's time to choose our first victim... Er... Ah... 'Bachelorette'   
to go on a romantic night out with our stunning bachelor." The camera pans to Shinji, who is feasting on   
a pile of chips on a table outside the stage. "Well, he really has the munchies, doesn't he?" said Aoba,   
"Now, to choose our first bachelorette, we will use what we call the wheel of destiny..." A stage techie   
rolls out a giant spinning wheel with pictures of everyone's face on it. Aoba spins the wheel and it lands   
on Misato. Ah, holy fucking shit!> Misato thinks to herself as Commander Ikari is heard letting loose an   
evil laugh. 

"Well, for your first date, Shinji," announces Aoba, "you and Misato will go on a lovely night on   
the town, complete with dancing and a romantic moonlit boat ride. Now how does that sound?" 

The high-as-a-kite Shinji responds, "Aliens with corn feet will lick my balls." 

"Oh, perfect! My date is totally baked and I'm all out of beer," complains Misato.   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

A few moments later, the two are sent out on their perfect night of romance with cameras   
following their every move. Before Shinji and Misato get into their limo, Commander Ikari pops out from   
behind a nearby trash can and injects Shinji with more heroin.   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Their first stop was to a fancy restaurant for an elegant dinner. When they were seated at their   
table, Misato was ordered to engage in a conversation with her stoned date. 

"So, tell me about yourself; What kind of things do you like to do?" the bored Misato read off a   
3x5 index card. 

"PORN and CHICKEN!!!" Shinji said so loud the entire restaurant could hear. When the water   
came, Shinji asked for something called 'fried frog corn meat', and Misato ordered 30 bottles of Jack   
Daniels.   
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An hour later, Misato is now drunk off her ass and the effects of the heroin are now gone, so Shinji   
is now back to normal. Shinji wakes up from a nice nap he had in his salad bowl, "Ah, man... Where the   
Hell am I? I don't remember any of... OH, MY SWEET MOTHER! Misato!! What are you doing?!?!?!" 

The drunken Misato is now dancing TOPLESS on the table. "Misato, put your clothes on! We have to get   
out of here!!" The two get into the limo and journey onward to their final activity: A two-hour boat ride. Misato   
and Shinji get on a lovely river boat and set sail for the night. 

The rest of the date was nothing too impressive. Misato spent the whole time drinking and   
throwing up, while Shinji sat in a corner, thinking about Misato's huge knockers. "My Precious... We need   
our Precious..." Shinji says to himself (Like he was that 'Gollum' from the Lord of the Rings).   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

The next morning, Misato woke up with the hangover from Hell. Shinji spent the whole night worrying   
about the dates yet to come. However, his worst fear was what was going to happen to him when he has   
to go on the date with Kaoru (I don't even want to think about it... The horror... THE HORROR!!!!!). 

At breakfast, Asuka was being extremely annoying in trying to figure out how that date went,   
"So, Misato, what did you and Shinji do last night?" 

"Ya' know, I don't remember... All I know is that I woke up feeling like crap," responded Misato. 

Shinji was pleased to find out that none of them would find out what happened. "Well, that's too   
bad," said Asuka, "Well, I guess I can wait until I see the tape." 

Shinji, who had forgotten that cameras were constantly watching them, immediately fell completely   
over, face forward. What kind of things will they say at school?!> Shinji thought to himself. 

"Man, my head really hurts," complained Misato, "Shinji, get me a beer, will ya'?"   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

A few hours later, everyone was back at NERV, preparing for the show. Shinji was busy hiding in   
a closet from his father, who probably wanted to inject him with more heroin. A few minutes later, Shinji   
escaped out from the closet and headed for the stage. However, on his way to the stage, Shinji was   
ambushed by the horrid sound of Kaoru. "Shhhhhhiiiiiiiiinnnnjjjjjjjiiiiiiii... Where arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre   
yyyyyooooouuuuuu?" 

"No!!!!!" screamed Shinji, "I must run away! I must run away!! I must run away!!!" Shinji came to   
a dead end and was forced into one taking one of three options: enter the women's dressing room, run up   
the stars to his father (who will probably inject him with more drugs), or face the evil that is otherwise   
known as Kaoru. With the Gay One quickly gaining on him, Shinji chose the lesser of the evils. He runs   
through the dressing room to find Asuka and Ritsuko, both in their underwear. 

"SHINJI!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!" yelled Asuka. 

"I was trying to..." 

"HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!" screamed Ritsuko. 

"No, no! You don't understand! K..." 

"I don't need to understand! Now get out!!!" orders Asuka. Both Asuka and Ritsuko kick Shinji   
out the door. Shinji pauses for a moment to check for Kaoru. The coast is clear and Shinji heads for the   
stage.   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

The music starts, Aoba comes on to the scene, and it's time to start. "Welcome back to another   
exciting episode of The Bachelor. So, let's find out how our two lovebirds did on their first date..." 

"So Misato," asks Aoba, "what was your first impression of Shinji?" 

"Well, he was, uh, very nice and, uh, umm, generous..." said Misato, quickly trying to think up a   
better excuse than 'I plain just don't remember'. 

Aoba asks Shinji the same question. "Well I had a great night. It was really entertaining". 

"Well let's show a clip from last night, then, shall we?" A large screen drops down from the   
ceiling. 

Shinji begins to pray to God to not let them show certain parts of their date. The clip rolls and   
immediately everyone is staring at a high Shinji throwing his fried frog corn meat at the waiter and Misato   
going into the bathroom with the camera man. Well, that would explain a lot of things...> Misato   
thought. The bachelorettes, who were backstage, witnessed the clip and immediately began to break out   
laughing. 

"OK! Now, let's bring out our bachelorettes, 'cause it's time to choose who will be the next lucky   
woman to date this very eligible bachelor!" The bachelorettes all walk onto the stage and sit down on the   
couch. "All right, now to select our next bachelorette, we will let the bachelor decide." Shinji nearly threw   
up then and there due to the pressure. 

Shinji looks at all the bachelorettes carefully; they all have the Look of Death in their eyes... except   
for a nearly lifeless Rei and a very happy Kaoru. It didn't take long for Shinji to make his decision. "I   
choose Rei," announces Shinji. 

The Commander looks down at his son and laughs as if he already knows the outcome of their   
date. 

Rei stands up and stares right through Shinji. 

Kaoru goes backstage and cries. 

"Alright! For your date, you two will spend a romantic night together in the lovely Holiday Inn,   
complete with swimming in their 1 & 1/2 star swimming pool and the chance to enjoy their great room   
service meals."   
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Rei and Shinji get into their limo and depart for their exciting and romantic night. In the limo,   
Shinji attempts to engage Rei in a conversation. "So, Rei, lovely night, huh?" 

"...........," Replies Rei. 

"So, what type of things would you like to DO tonight?" Rei turns around and slaps Shinji across   
his face. "What was that for?!" cried Shinji. 

"I will not," said Rei. 

"Excuse me?" asked Shinji. 

"I will not engage in any sexual activity with you, Shinji." 

"What makes you think that I want......SLAP! 

"Why do you ke... SLAP. 

"Will you at least explain to me why you keep hitting me?" asked Shinji. 

"I was ordered by the Commander to make this night a living Hell for you. I must obey my   
Commander." Shinji sunk back into the seat and prayed to God that nothing too embarrassing would   
happen to him.   
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As the limo pulled up to the hotel, Shinji and Rei were greeted by their guide/butler for the   
evening: a 44 year-old fat guy with his gut hanging out 3 feet over his pants by the name of Bubba. "Da...,   
welcome ta' da' Holiday Inn. Let me escort ya' ta' yer rooms fer yer night a' romance." Rei looked at poor   
Shinji with the Glare of Satan. 

When they arrived at their room, Bubba gave them 5 minuets until their romantic night swim. The   
two quickly got into their swimsuits: Rei, wearing a black one-piece and Shinji, wearing blue trunks and a   
rubber-duck floaty that he named Ralph. "Let us go, we are late." ordered Rei. 

Shinji sighed and replied, "Alright..."   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

They both sat by the pool, Rei looking like the spawn of the Devil, and Shinji..., well..., like Shinji,   
I guess. Across the street was parked a NERV black van with NERV personnel watching their every   
move. "This is getting sad..." said one of the NERV guys. 

"Call the Commander!" orders the leader of the pack. 

"What is the problem?" the Commander asked. 

"Sir, your son is desperately short on balls at the moment! He's not making any passes!" 

Commander Ikari quickly thought of a solution. "Initiate Drugging Sequence!" Two seconds after   
Ikari gave the order, 2 pigmies jumped out of the van, loaded 2 darts into their blowguns, and shot Shinji   
in the back of the neck. It did not take long for the drugs to take effect. Shinji's pussiness was soon   
replaced with more testosterone then the Fifth Fleet. He became a raging horny wild freak, running around   
with the Erection from Hell. 

"What are you doing, Shinji?!" Rei questioned, sounding like HAL from '2001'. 

"Me real big and horny! Me go rape tree now!" Shinji ran over to the nearest tree and began to   
rape the bark off it. 

Soon, Rei received a phone call from the Commander. "Rei," the demon Ikari spoke, "I want you   
to do whatever it takes to get great ratings for this show. This is an order." 

"Yes, sir. I understand." replied Rei. She walked over to the crazed Shinji and spoke as softly as   
she could, "Hey there, big boy, want to have a little fun?" 

Shinji stared happily as Rei lifted her... 

### WHHHHOOOOOOWWWW!!!!! Hold on for a sec! What the Hell is going on?! This is   
NOT a freakin' lemon here! What am I smokin'?! I know! Let's do this again... 

[Omega glares down at his Magical Keyboard of Creation and stares at the button that reads   
"Emergency FIC reversal button-thingie". Omega remembers Commander Ikari as he folds his hands   
across his face and hits the button with his forehead. Omega head hits the button with enough force to   
cause 110 P.S.I. of pressure to his skull (which, surprisingly enough, is entirely intact), creating a   
permanent indentation in his forehead.] 

"Let's return to the fic, shall we?"### 

Rei walked over to Shinji, raised her right hand, and connected with Shinji's neck, rendering him   
unconscious. Rei dragged her date back up to the room with what was now a SMALL bulge in his pants...   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

An hour later, the heroin has worn off and Shinji, to his surprise, is now fully dressed in a tux.   
(keep in mind here, people, that we are using really weak heroin.) As the two leave the room, they are   
greeted by our good buddy, Bubba. "Da..., Please falla' me fer yer romantic dimmer..."   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

They arrive at the fancy '-3/4 star' restaurant, take their seats, and are given the menu. 

"Uh, Rei, I'm really sorry for the way I've been acting...," muttered Shinji. 

"..........," replied Rei firmly. 

When the waiter arrived, Shinji ordered a 'BLT', but trying hard to make a good impression on Rei   
(and remembering that she is a vegetarian), he quickly changed his order to an 'LT'. Rei ordered a Caesar   
salad. There was complete silence the whole time they ate. Rei reached into her back pocket and pulled   
out several 3x5 cards and attempted to ask Shinji the questions that were on them, as ordered by the   
Commander. "What are your views of the perfect women?" asked Rei. 

Shinji immediately froze up, "Well, I guess she'd have to have..." 

"What are your hobbies?" Rei interrupted. 

Her target was now in a nervous panic, "Well, I like, uh, to play songs on my, uh," 

"Enough," commanded Rei, "It is time to dance." 

"Dance?! But I don't know how to dance!" shrieked Shinji. 

Rei just sat up, grabbed his arm, and headed for the dance floor. Not one of them knew how to   
dance. They just stood there. 

### "Ok, people, this is pathetic!!" Omega quickly starts to type random keys on his Keyboard,   
causing a black hole to form.### 

The two pigmies pop out of the black hole and use their blowguns to launch two more darts of   
heroin into Shinji's ass. Shinji stood there for about a minute or two, then he ran over to the   
'all-you-can-eat' seafood buffet, where he saw the large bucket of steamed oysters. Shinji began to throw   
the oysters as though they were throwing stars. 

"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Now I am the ruler of ALL your hamsters!!!!" Shinji declared   
maniacally. 

Rei just stood there, staring down Shinji. 

Suddenly, all the chefs and staff members rushed the buffet table, trying to stop the oyster-throwing   
menace, but is was no use: they were all knocked senseless. It was like D-Day with seafood. Suddenly,   
Shinji threw an oyster at a speed that would later be clocked at approximately 90 M.P.H., and it was   
heading straight for Bubba. 

### "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT BUBBA!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

In an act of desperation, Omega punches on the Keyboard, making yet another black hole   
appear. ### 

A Secret Service agent lunges out and hurls himself at Bubba, but it was an exercise in futility: the   
oyster grazed his arm, and hit Bubba square in the face, killing him on contact. 

### "Bubba!!! NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!! ..... Oh well... ### 

A very pissed-off Rei walked over to the Shinji, grabbed a skillet, and whacked him upside the face.   
The sound of metal hitting skull could be heard of miles around...   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

The next day, Shinji woke up in his own bed, wondering how the Hell he'd got there. He couldn't   
remember a thing that happened on his date with Rei. At the breakfast table, Shinji was given the 'silent   
treatment' as both Misato and Asuka sat there, hating Shinji's guts about Misato's date and Asuka's yet to   
come...   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Back at the wonderful happy land of NERV, all the remaining bachelorettes were in a fit of rage. 

"If I so much as have to hold his scrawny little hand, I will personally rip Ikari's head off," yelled   
Asuka. 

"Well, I don't think it'll be THAT bad.... Oh, who am I kidding?! Every date's been a disaster,"   
complained Ritsuko. 

"Yeah? Well, I can't wait for my date with my dearest Shin-chan!!" an vomit-inducingly   
feminine-sounding masculine voice is heard as Karou popped out of a black hole. 

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ritsuko and Asuka scream.   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Blah, Blah, Blah... Stuff happens..... and twenty minutes later, everyone is on-stage. 

"Five minutes 'til showtime!" a techie yells. 

"May I have you attention," a satanic voice is heard from above, "Today, I want everyone to act as   
slutty as possible," ordered the Commander. 

At this point, the remaining bachelorettes are cowering in fear..., except for Kaoru, who shouts a   
very excited "OK!!". 

"Commence Sluttiness Sequence!"   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Two minutes later, Shinji arrived on the set and was ready to start the show. 

"Commence Bacheloring Sequence!" ordered Ikari. 

Shinji walked over to his spot on the set and hunkered down in fear of his next 'date'. The lights go   
on, the music starts, and Aoba comes on the scene. "Welcome to The Bachelor. Let's see how our Shinji   
did on his date with Rei!" 

The large screen drops down to show Shinji killing Bubba and Rei smacking Shinji with a skillet.   
Everyone was silent for a few seconds, then broke out laughing hysterically. Even the Commander smiled   
an evil little smile. 

"All right... Now it's time to choose who Shinji will go out with next!" A stage techie rolls out a   
slot machine as Aoba explains, "This is how it works, Shinji: you'll pull the lever 3 times and the one   
whose face appears the most will be your next exciting date!" Shinji walked up to the machine and, with a   
large sigh, pulled the lever. The wheels spin and it's:   
  


......   
  


Ritsuko,   
  


......   
  


Asuka,   
  


......   
  


and   
  


......   
  


Barbara Streisand! (NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!) 

The next roll is:   
  


......   
  


Kaoru,   
  


......   
  


Asuka,   
  


......   
  


and   
  


......   
  


an orange. 

The final roll is:   
  


......   
  


a lemon,   
  


......   
  


a lucky '7',   
  


......   
  


and   
  
  


...........   
  
  
  
  


Kaoru. 

"Oh, my sweet Mother NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" shouted Shinji as his brain   
shifted gears into its well-known 'survival' mode. He quickly looked around for options. He saw an assault   
rifle on a nearby table, Kaoru, or his Father. As with many of his decisions of recent, this too was a   
remarkably quick one for Shinji; he quickly ran over to the M4A1 with its grenade launcher attachment.   
He locks and loads, aims the rifle at Kaoru's balls, and in a stern voice yells "Suck it down, Angelic   
Bitch!" 

BLAM BLAM. [Editor's Note: Me No LoNgEr AbLe To ThInK rIgHt No MoRe, So Me LeAvE   
CrApPy SoUnD eFfEcT iN. sOrRy.] 

The thirty round burst of automatic fire launched round after round of hot lead towards Kaoru's   
nonexistent manhood. After the final gunshot everyone stared at Kaoru, who was nearly ripped in half.   
Shinji smiled, knowing that it was finally over... 

Suddenly, Kaoru stood up! And, because true evil and gayness can never truly die, Kaoru quickly   
pulls himself back together, much like the T-1000. "Oh, you silly goose..." cooed Kaoru. 

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!" yelled Asuka. 

Shinji hauled ass as fast as he could, running into the girl's bathroom, and hid behind the door.   
"Shinjiiiiiiiiiiii? Where are you, sweety?" Kaoru giggled girlishly as she called out for his, no, 'its' love. 

"I MUST RUN AWAY! I MUST RUN AWAY!!" Shinji said to himself. The object of the unholy   
demon's desire heard Kaoru coming closer and, in a final act of desperation, summoned all the balls he   
had and grabbed Kaoru, throwing him in the bathroom while firing the one grenade round into Kaoru. The   
explosion blew up one of the stalls, causing a huge septic gas leak. 

Next to it was Kaoru, blown into a thousand pieces. 

In one of the lady's stalls was Maya, getting high off a blunt. "Huh....? Wass dat me....?!" she   
mumbled. 

Shinji ran as fast as he could, trying to escape Kaoru (who was quickly coming back together).   
Maya went to see what was going on. She stuck a blunt in her mouth and lit a match (remember, there's   
gas in the room). 

KKKKKKAAAAAAABBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[Editor's Note: DoWnRiGhIt ShItTy SoUnD eFfEcT!!!! bUt Me HeAd HuRt WhEn Me TrY tO tHiNk Of   
BeTtEr OnE. ThIs Is VeRy EvIl FiC tO fIx...   


OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW! Me HeAd HuRt MoRe ThAnKs To CoMpLaInInG.   
mE sHuT uP nOw...]   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

The entire east wing went up in a forty megaton blast of crap (literally!). The explosion sent   
Kaoru to Iraq, where he could rape all the camels he wanted to, happily ever after.... 

Strangely, no one was killed. 

"Yes!!! It's finally over!!!!!!" the smoldering Shinji cried as the shock of realizing he in fact DID   
have balls caused him to faint. 

Then, we see Aoba in front of the cameras. "This concludes The Bachelor, ladies and gentlemen.   
Join us next time when we play NERV Family Feud. It's Shinji, Misato, Asuka, and a pair of Rei-clones   
VS. Commander Ikari, the MAGI system, and a Ham Sandwich.   
  
  


**_END_**   
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_***Important***_**

  
  
  
  
  


I have made several references to drugs in this Fic. Please remember that drugs are bad and should   
not be taken, only made fun of.   


I will gladly take any comments you have about this Fic, but please keep it to a minimum, as I   
know that some of you will write a whole page. I really enjoy reading your CONSTRUCTIVE criticism,   
so fire away. 

If, by some Act of God, you happen to enjoy this Fic, I urge you to check out **_The Master of_**   
**_Drunken Legends_**, written by my friend EVA-01 Beta. Oh, and if you do read it, look at the reviews and   
try to guess which one is mine. It should still be on the first page. 


End file.
